Welcome to the Fictional World of
The W GANG
Cast of Characters:
Commander Howdy - our fearless leader
Uncle Scrooge - second / In command
SuperGeek - minister of politics
Secretary Dumstruk - defender of the realm
TrollDoll - U.S. Attorney General
With Supporting Players:
Secretary Fetchwell - State Depart/ meant
Tanker Girl - National Security Apologist
Roach Man - House Exterminator
Senator Puppy - Majority Leader
Justice Scabover - US Supreme Court
Director Blowchunks - C.I.A.
Count Undead - neocon wiseguy
Deputy Hawkchicz - neocon wiseguy
Pastor Rapture - fundamentalist Christian Crusador
Kenny Boy - oligarch
Unseen Hands - the powers that really be
newSService - early 2004:
In his Rape of the Union speech, Commander Howdy proclaimed Iraq and the Economy were going real great and we were gonna Win and cut the budget deficit in half and make his tax cuts permanent and create millions of jobs and let in even more millions of low wage immigrants and make the world a democracy and ammend our Constitution to guarantee
some people cannot be equal to the rest. Proclaiming proudly that no one could doubt America’s word now but we will never seek a permission slip to Act and steroids are bad and The USA Patriot Act is good and Imminent Activities were found in Iraq and he got
most of the words out in pretty much the right order.
....we join our fearless leader in the White House at a strategy meeting:
Howdy: Hey that was pretty good speechifying stuff, huh!
SuperGeek: Yes sir, a real page-turner. No major gaffes so a good start to the campaign.
Howdy: How come we had to axe that Trip to Mars idea. It would be fun to play like a
spaceman in a spacesuit for photro-ops and campaign ads.
SuperGeek: Sir, I knew that one wouldn’t play out too well in the polls at first, but I wanted
to introduce the idea to the Commoners. After the re-election we can sell
them on a story that it is a dire necessessity for our National Security to
unilaterally control the high ground on the global terrorist battlefield - space.
Uncle Scrooge: The Defense contracts potential for weapons in space is truly
exponential, and I am preparing some secret no bid no limit
contracts to award Hellaburden for preliminary implementation.
Howdy: Didn’t we just give them some juicy contracts?
Uncle Scrooge: Commander! Don’t ever lose sight of the prime directive - accumulating
wealth and power. When we gain re-election we will control all of the
contracts, all of the resources and all of the money. It will be our due!
Howdy: I guess you’re right. What was I thinking?
SuperGeek: That WMD thing is getting to be a problem - people keep asking why
there are none. Right now we are blaming the previous Administration,
then we can blame the Intelligence People while we engineer media
distractions and just delay all the investigations until after the re-election.
Howdy: And we get to appoint the committees that will investigate us - politics is cool!
Secretary Dumstruk: Then next year we can claim new intelligence proves that the
WMD was moved to Syria and they might give some of it to
terrorists so it is essentail for our National Security that we invade
and occupy that country too.
Uncle Scrooge: I like that - control of two Oil countries with one big lie. Next up, Iran.
Stick to the story - that in FACT we will find WMD if we just keep on
looking.
TrollDoll: Commander, If anybody disagrees with the Official Line we will call them a
Traitor. If anyone protests in public we have paramilitary SWAT teams trained
to bring them under control. Our enhanced interpretation of the Patriot Act has
been a godsend for enforcing our crusade to keep the country safe and lucrative
for Rich Elite White Republican Christian Heterosexual Males.
Howdy: God told me I should be a War President !
SuperGeek: The Dummycrats have been relatively quiet about about going into Iraq
because they bought into it. They are sure to complain loudly from here
on about further adventures. A major offensive in Afghanistan this Spring
and some local events like Haiti will serve as distractions during the re-
election campaign. Then we can unleash our October Surprises.
Howdy: Cool - I like surprises! What are they?
SuperGeek: Sir, we have several options depending on how the campaign is going.
Of course,we will do whatever it takes to win. If we get lucky, politically
speaking that is, another major terrorist attack on American soil would cause
a panic of fear that we could manipulate again to our political advantage.
As a last resort, f it looks like we might lose, we could authorize an Event,
declare a National Emergency, invoke Martial Law and cancel the elections.
If it looks like even money, we could put Saddam on “trial” and “capture”
Osama.
Howdy: That could be tricky, we all know they both know too much. Maybe a last minute video from the boogeycaveman would be enough to do the trick - I don’t plan on losing
this election. Hey, I thought we wired up all those new electronic voting machines,
so what’s the difference?
SuperGeek: Sir, the machines will certainly help, but they are no guarantee. The winning
Strategy is complex and fluid. To successfully mold the electorate, Important
Events must be timed to net maximum PR benefits with minimal bad press.
Speaking of re-election, those Dumnacrats keep bringing up that little matter
about you skipping out on your last couple years of National Guard service
during Vietnam. This one is getting harder to keep scrubbed - what with
soldiers dying every day in Iraq - It’s just plain negative PR. Politically
speaking, it would have been much better if you had just put your time in
back then. Now it looks like their candidate will be a war hero - Lt. Beanstalk -
we may need to do some damage control.
Howdy: I was doing damage control by avoiding drug tests - the military didn’t give us
GO pills back then like they do now. I was young and irresponsible and rich -
and there were a lot of wild parties and free lovin’ going on those days.
Why give that up when Poppy can fix things?
Uncle Scrooge: Besides, we all had other priorities. Just dig up enough documents and
spin them until the Commoners forget about it. I will give a call to our
Mediacorp associates to get some PR exposure. Those guys really
came through making Dr. Angry look bad. He was one scary candidate -
what with all that dangerous talk about real reforms. We need to win at all
costs - then get on with consolidating control of power and money -
it’s our due!
Secretary Dumstruk: Commander, I can report to you we need another four years to
secure political and economic control over the Oil rich regions
necessary to fuel our mission of permanent American global
dominance.
TrollDoll: Absolutely! We need four more years to permanently establish the progress
we have made to remake America in our image - a ReConstitution. We must
accomplish the missions of Patriot Act 2 and 3, abortion homicide, one Right
political party, no public dissent and Corporations are People. To this America
I pledge my allegiance under (an angry) God. With your leave Commander,
I should go now in order to continue my vigilant watch on suspicious citizens.
Howdy: OK, and don’t forget to plug that pesky CIA Agent Leak problem - bye bye .
Wow, that was a close one. For a minute there, I thought he was going to sing
one of his patriotic songs.
SuperGeek: Yes sir. The best thing we can do now is to show no concern and just submit
to all the questions. We can fall back on the populist persona we have
spent so many years sculpting that has always served us well when
stonewalling. Regardless, we will have 9 months, the Bully Pulpit, $250
million, and dominant control of the major media outlets with which to sway
the Commoners our way.
Howdy: Yeah, and I’ ll be a very compassionate campaigner.
newSService:
Commander Howdy appeared That Sunday on Mete the Press to face some pretty hard questions and soft followups. He said that even though no paperwork exists proving he reported to the Alabama National Guard in 1972, and he does not remember what he did or who he met there, but he is very proud that he remembers being there. Besides, Poppy got him an Honorable Discharge so end of story. To assure everyone that their Commander knows what’s going on in the world, he said that the US Economy was improving faster then at any time in the last 20 years and all of his decisions were made
with War on his mind and he won’t change philosophy or point of view and - yes - Iraq
was worth the death of well over 500 US soldiers because of an international Shadowy Terrorist Network.
....we rejoin our fearless leader the next day with all his advisors in the White House:
Howdy: How’d I do in the polls?
SuperGeek: Sir, the numbers are in free-fall, but it is nothing we can’t overcome by
November.
TrollDoll: Commander, we must stop any idea of Social Democracy or any pursuits of
happiness that are not condoned by the Angelakill Holy Counsel. We are using
the handy Homeland Security Agency to keep tabs on our critics and other
immoral people. We are snooping into computers everywhere - including the
Senate and UN. We are secretly compiling lists of those Commoners who get
abortions or engage in deviant sex or take non-corporate-approved drugs so
that we can execute them someday when we get the right Judges in place. We
will crush all citizen terrorist protestors! We will execute all foreign terrorists!
I am getting inspired enough to write a new patriotic song!
Howdy: Hey , that’s great - just don’t bust a gut!. And keep up the good work - I guess.
Hey Geekster, we aren’t gonna lose the re-election are we? Cause if we do,
you won’t be able to impress the girls anymore - it will be like it was before you
hooked up with me.
SuperGeek: No need to worry Sir. I am confident that our campaign strategy will lead
to victory as the events unfold. As long as we keep our base happy we can
just confuse and convert enough of the remaining voters to come within ballot
box stuffing range. For example, we are now developing a sordid storyline
involving Lt. Beanstalk with Hanoi Jane and an illegitimate child that later
grew up to be a terrorist sympathizer. If the Dramacrats nominate JonBoy
for VP we can spread a rumor that he was Saddam’s private trial lawyer. For
now, the best thing we can do is change the subject. We must distract
attention from WMD intelligence and the other multiple investigations to how
utterly immoral the Damnacrats are. They are Traitors, Communists, Atheists
and Perverts who want to destroy sacred American traditions like marriage -
which we will say is a threat to The US Constitution and the Ten
Commandments. It works every time. In order to insure the perception of
balance, however, I suggest we bring in the hired help and get their take on
the political situation.
Secretary Dumstruk: We have no real need of their opinions. They are simply not fully
with The Program, and we don’t need them for cover anymore. If
the re-election starts to get dicey, we can just invade another
country - like Iran or China or Cuba or whererver. Everybody will
fall in line, like always, and we can count on the MediaCorps to
preach our message.
Howdy: I think we should take affirmative action and let the hired help earn their keep.
Hello folks. Come on in and let’s hear your reports.
Secretary Fetchwell: Yes Sir, Commander. As ordered, I told everyone everywhere
that Saddam had no intention not to have the intention to have
WMD intentionally, but that does not seem to satisfy some of
them - especially since WMD apparently were never there, so
they keep asking questions.
Secretary Dumstruk: Mm-hmm. It--my view of--of the situation was that he--he had--
we--we believe, the best intelligence that we had and other
countries had and that--that we believed and we still do not know--
we will know. Look, we had to get in there fast while we still had
the chance. We certainly did not want to share the spoils with those
Frenchies or anyone else. OK, I probably shouldn’t have said that
I knew EXACTLY where the WMD were, but I figured we would
win the war, so who would care? The absence of evidence is not
the evidence of absence.
Uncle Scrooge: Exactly right! The important thing was to get in there and cause such
major damage and get into such a situation that guarantees The Contracts
will keep on coming for years. There was no reason to have an Exit
Strategy because we are never really planning to leave. We will build
permanent military bases there to help insure control of the Oil and
Water in the area for friendly generous corporations. This is pure
Capitalism at it’s most evolved - the most bang for the buck.
Secretary Fetchwell: But they keep saying we lied about the intelligence of imminence.
Howdy: That depends on what the definition of imminence is is.
TankerGirl: Mr. Commander, Top Secret Intelligence reveals the growing long term threat
posed by the Soviet Union and their Massive Military Machine to the very
existence of the traditional American Dream. It may be necessary to increase
our defense spending by hundreds of billions of dollars every year for many
decades to come in order to counter this monolithic socialist challenge . If we
do not take timely and decisive action we may someday soon face the
spector of 20,000 Mushroom Clouds!
Secretary Dumstruk: Yeah, those were the good old days of the Soviet Union. They
just don’t make Big Scary Enemies like that anymore. They are
supposedly our friends now - if you believe the Diplomats and
Spooks that is.
TankerGirl: OK, so I forgot! I simply cannot be expected to read every single report
and intelligence brief that comes through the White House. I am not under
oath, but last I heard Iraq was the Right thing to do and everything is going
great - and we are safer - much safer - though we know we are not safe yet.
Director Blowchunks: The CIA can definitively confirm that the Soviet Union is no longer
viable as a threat to the security of the United States of America..
Furthermore, Saddam Insane used the WMD we gave him
twenty years ago on Iran, so it was within the theoretical realm of
possibility that he still had some in his possesion before our Iraq
Attack. Therefore it would be technically correct to say that Iraq
“had” WMD. The fact that their potency would be expired by now
is beside the point because that was not the question you asked.
Slam Dunk!
Secretary Dumstruk: Of course he was a threat. He stood in the way of US control over
The Middle East -via Iraq.
Director Blowchunks: OK, Mission Accomplished. Just don’t blame the Community.
Howdy: No problemo DiBlow - the Spooks is cool! Let’s hear from the Congressionals.
Senator Puppy: My Commander and Reverant Leader, I am honored and blessed to be
in your esteemed Presence and I pray to be of service to His Majesty
the Leader of the Free World in the noble quest to someday become
the Leader of the Whole World. No other person on Planet Earth could
possibly so inspire The Good People to protect The Good Life we
have all become so accustomed to and save us from the EvilDoers.
As Senate Majority Leader, I hereby pledge to do all I can to deliver
any legislation you require.
RoachMan: Don’t worry about The House, we are With The Program. I exterminate any
sign of dissent right away. You can count on us to deliver anything and
everything you want and more. We have our methods - as was proved with
the Medicare Drug Law - we can find a way. Ethics are a non- issue in The
US House of Representatives. The only important thing is to win in
November and consolidate more permanent power and control. The Project
Agenda is within our grasp! Like I say to The Commoners, if you give me
60 Senators and a few more House Members and re-elect our fearless
Commander then - you ain’t seen nothin’ yet!
Howdy: It sure would be easier if I were A Dictator.
SuperGeek: Getting the balance of power right between the three branches of Federal
Government would be the next best thing to being a Dictator with the added
advantage of maintaining the illusion of populist democracy. Don’t forget, we
need The Commoners to tax so we can pay for all this. It’s great to know we
can count on you boys in Congress, but things have gotten a little out of
control with the Judicial side lately. We plan to take care of that problem in the
second term, and I know you will confirm the Federal Judges we need to
make our politics and our constituent’s moral code permanent law.
Howdy: What do you think El Supremo, can I count on the Third Branch?
Justice Scabover: We got your back - quack quack!
Uncle Scrooge: Spoken like a future Cheif Justice of the United States Supreme Court.
KennyBoy (via secure video): Howdy Howdy! Sounds from here like you have got
everything there in pretty good control. Of course you can count on us for
maximum campaign support . All the major MegaCorps will be on board.
We do not forget our friends, and you have helped us all immeasurably with
The Trifecta - tax cuts for us ultra wealthy - a regulation free economic policy -
and even profitable incentives to move our money and jobs off shore. What
more could anyone ask? On a personal note, I certainly appreciate the fact that
you have helped keep me away from any indictments for that little ENROT
deal. While we are on the subject, can issue me a blanket Presidential Pardon
on your last day - just in case?
Howdy: You got it friend. Hey Geekster, can I give myself a Presidential Pardon too?
SuperGeek: I will have to check into that Sir. Now let’s hear from the Think Tank intellectuals.
Howdy: The CRAZIES are here! Bring It ON!
Count Undead: Mr Commander, my analysis of the situation is as follows - we are not
proceding rapidly enough with The Project of US Global Domination in
this New American Century. We have not made significant progress
with the destabilization of Iran and we should nuke North Korea. At the
very least, we should have invaded Syria and Saudi Arabia by now.
Howdy: Hey, the Saudis are our good buddies and business partners. You guys said
this Project stuff was supposed to be a cakewalk not a quagmire! What up?
Deputy Hawkchicz: Commander, the important thing was to get the military on the
ground in Iraq to spread democracy. The various justifications for
invading given to The Commonors were important only to the
extent that they brought us support in Congress and the polls.
WMD, mass graves, brutal dictator - all of the above - whatever
works. The Commoners simply do not understand the
complexeties of international affairs like us wiseguy intellectual
idealogues do. Strategically we needed to get our military out of
Saudi Arabia and into Iraq - the country we have been demonizing
and softening up for 12 years. Sadamn Insane made it easy to get
away with because he actually was a bad guy. The boys over at
the Office Of Odious Plans produced the “Intelligence Evidence”
needed and the lines of communication in the media backed it up all
the way. Sure it’s been a bit of a mess, but it’s mostly a success.
I would argue that The Project has taken a huge step forward. We
must use Iraq as the staging area to convert the whole world to
pliable forms of democracy. This will make the US much safer and
us much richer because - as everybody knows - democracys do
not attack other democracys.
Howdy: Didn’t we just invade Haiti and soon maybe Venezuela?
Deputy Hawkchicz: It doesn’t apply to the US because - technically - we are not actually
a democracy. We are a pluralistic constitutional republic.
Count Undead: We don’t have the luxury of time to build a lot of democracys. The way
to End Evil and rule the world is to crush every country or organization or
population that stands in the way of The Project. We do not care if they
love us, we only care if they fear us. We must control every area that
contains oil reserves and other vital resources. We must kill every
terrorist and, while we are at it, disappear the Palestinians. We must
build military bases everywhere and surround Russia and China
and India. The day will come when this “War on Terrorism” thing will run
out of gas and we will need another Cold War enemy to help justify the
cost of the Military Industrial Congressional Complex and our policies.
Uncle Scrooge: Yes, and China will be the perfect foil. Until then, the US can keep
borrowing billions of dollars from them while buying cheap imports
until The Bill comes due - at which time we will cancel the debts and
portray China as The Yellow Communist Threat and accuse them of
abusing worker and environmental safety. The US will have another
Big Scary Enemy and The Contracts will keep on coming as far as the
eye can see for Hellaburden and our other MegaCorp friends - what
a great business model!
SuperGeek: Let’s just hope the Money Boys keep the machine churning until then.
It’s time for some Spiritual Enlightenment Commander.
Howdy: I don’t have to go to church do I? Oh, hello your graciouasssness. I
need a little blessing to guarantee we win this election - just in case.
Pastor Rapture: Yes, bless you my son. You know you can count on me just like I can
count on you to keep those faith based initiatives at the forefront of
your efforts. We can sermonize on the evils of the dead fetus and the
married homo and pray for your victory because only you can save
us.It works every time.
Howdy: Yeah, that’s always a good tactic. Well, it looks like everything is set and
I’m gonna “win” another term. Let’s gut Social Security and invade Iran!
Unseen Hands - Left: can they really win after the last three years?
Right: the Project is on schedule and can proceed another four years.
Left: but these guys are incompetent and the wingnuts are volitile.
Right: true enough - we may have to let the other side win in 2008.
the end?
